Bacon: Every Vegetarians’ Threat to Vegetarianism

If you read this blog, you know my thoughts about Tyra Banks. I want to like her, I really do. I’m supposed to, right? I mean I never missed an episode of “America’s Next Top Model” for the first seven cycles, until I just couldn’t handle the predictability and uninspired modeling anymore. I’ve watched “The Tyra Show” in its entirety maybe three times. Then I had an idea: I could watch the talk show and blog about my experience. This way, I figure I’d be forced to watch it all the way through and this self-assigned journalistic task would help me be fair and balance like FOX News. Sorry this won’t have any timestamps. It seems like something like this should have time stamps, so be forewarned: The show lasts an hour (in dog years).

Tyra starts now …

(Tyra walks out sporting her natural hair super curly and donning a black jumpsuit. She’s been really into these lately since she lost weight. She does this weird Oprah “hello”—not a scream, not a yell and mostly articulate, but not quite. The audience loves her for this.)

“People are obsessed with losing weight,” she says. The hostess is pointing out various celebrities who’ve endorsed weight-loss methods. Beyonce, the Kardashian sisters, some other chick I don’t know who wrapped her belly up in a super girdle after having a baby so she could get her pre-pregnancy body back.

Now’s the gross part: tapeworms. The show is about the Tapeworm Diet.

To show us just how long a tape worm can be, Tyra uses an electric tape measure, while she never tells us how long the measure actually was, she does traipse across the stage a few times, writing the worm, I mean measure around.

“A Tapeworm Diet is deceptively simple … they eat at least half of whatever is ingested,” she says.

Ah! Thirty feet. They can grow as long as 30 feet. She finally told me. I thought I was going to have to go to Wikipedia to look that up during the commercial. Thanks, Ty Ty!

Gross footage. Tapeworms lay eggs in boroughs of your insides.

“I’m itching my head,” she says scratching. Tyra is freaked out. Poor thing. She sure sacrifices for her show.

So here’s the deal: the Tapeworm Diet is illegal in the United States, but you can buy them via Internet. With pregnant pauses for dramatic insistence. Tyra says, “There are still people … who are willing … to host … these worms … in … their bodies.”

Meet the guests:

Guest #1 (missed her name, but she looks like a Katherine) wants to try the Tapeworm Diet because she tried the alcohol diet (not consuming alcohol for at least 30 days), but it hasn’t worked for her. I didn’t know that was a diet. I suppose it should have been capitalized. Apparently, Katherine is the Khloe Kardashian of her family, standing at least five inches taller than her siblings. Her parents favored their other offspring, so she thought as a little girl, because they were slim and petite.

Guest #2 (Yvette) wants a tapeworm because she gained weight during her pregnancy four years ago, and she has 10 pounds left that she just can’t seem to lose. She feels pressured by society, especially because she’s as petite as she is. Tapeworms, to her seem natural. She also considered wiring her jaws shut because she’s willing to do “whatever it takes.” Mind you, she doesn’t want to lose weight, necessarily, to get a man, but says “you have to market yourself; you have to look presentable; attraction is the first thing you see when you meet a person; so if you do not look good—like what society wants you to look, obviously, you’re going to be single forever pretty much.”

This broad weighs 130, wants to weigh 120 and thinks the 10-pound difference is what’s keeping her from being booed up at night. She would, by the way, keep her tapeworm diet a secret from her hypothetical man because she’d be skinny post-10-pound-weight-loss, so it wouldn’t really matter. I wonder if this is why I don’t have a man. Ten pounds lost equals a man gained. Guess I was right to decide ice cream is off limits.

Dr. D. Scott Smith, a parasitologist, in fact is talking to the women now. “You broads are crazy.” He didn’t really say that, but I know that’s what he’s thinking.

Now we’re about to see a video of tapeworms being harvested “in Africa” to be sold no the black market. You know, Africa, that big city between the Atlantic and Indian oceans.

“The ground is littered with animal and human waste.” And now we’re introduced to Garin, “an American businessman,” who goes all around the world looking for places like this. There’s lots of science talk (Tyra isn’t doing it; Garin is). PETA is going to get in on this soon. They’ve (Garin and his assistants) sacrificed a cow to get the tapeworms they force-fed it so more parasites would grow inside. It’s the most cost-effective way to do this, he says.

After this disgusting video, Yvette is still smiling and laughing. Tyra asks her why and her response is “I still want it!”

{Commercial Break}

Thank God. I have learned a couple things already, though: 1. There’s such thing as a tapeworm diet; 2. There’s a tapeworm black market; and 3. Tyra has compassion for wanna-be models and animals.

… and we’re back …

I think Tyra has a hair clip or two in her hair.

A clip from the Travel Channel show “Bite Me” is shown. The host ate a tapeworm cyst to demonstrate tapewormery. Though they don’t tell us how much time elapsed, they next show the guy sitting on the toilet, after carefully placing a strainer in the toilet, to catch the tapeworm. Two hours later, he passes it. It’s “over a meter long,” disgusting, but actually kind of looks like a cowry shell necklace. From a distance, of course.

Yvette is still laughing.

Karen, an audience member had a tapeworm once that was “very inconvenient to my life.” Poor thing. She’s telling the harrowing story now. She had stomach viruses and whatnot, and when she was “submitted to the hospital,” that’s when she was diagnosed with tapewormery. The tapeworms stunted her growth. She didn’t stand so we could see how tall (or short, as it were) she is.

Yvette is still laughing, but she’s “creeping out just a little bit.” She may have changed her mind about the diet.

The doctor is pulling out a (fish) tapeworm out of a jar they use to pickle pig feet.

Yvette is really getting on my effing nerves. More so than Tyra, actually. This does not speak well for Yvette.

{Commercial Break}

Lucky me. (This is not sarcasm.) I’m really getting tired of doing this, but I’ve committed to it, so I must have integrity. I’ve never been so pleased to say an ITT Tech commercial, though.

Tomorrow we’ll talk to a girl who’s afraid to tell her mom she’s a lesbian and learn something shocking about Miss Jay—“a big secret about him that I guarantee you is going to shock you.” Dang it. I wonder what it is. …

… and we’re back …

We’re talking to Garin, the businessman from the videotape, now. He looks creepy. Apparently, just as he walked out, Tyra refused to shake her hand because she’s crept out.

Thankfully, Yvette is no longer sitting on the guest couch.

Garin sells his tapeworms in Mexico because he can’t do it here in America. I wonder if there’s a Tapeworm Flu. Blah, blah, blah, he doesn’t do tapeworms for weight loss; he does them for other things and there’s this cool side effect—weight loss. It’s some kind of autoimmune therapies. I could rewind, but I don’t care that much.

That video where they killed the cow was taken in Kenya.

Garin is still talking, and Tyra just told him if he was on “Law and Order” he’d be guilty. http://www.tapewormdiet.com is his website, I think. He just wants to help people get over some of the “ick response” to tapeworms. Oh. That makes sense now. A few seconds ago, I heard him saying something about needing bacteria and such. It has nothing to do with dieting. This is his poor defense. Good call, Tyra! He would be found guilty. The “treatments” cost “a couple thousand dollars.”

{Commercial Break}

I need to wash my hair but am not in the mood.

… and we’re back …

“The Tyra Show” doesn’t condone putting a tapeworm in your body to lose weight. Now, finally, we’re moving on to other extreme measures for dieting.

The Tongue Patch Diet. I just read about this! You get a piece of mesh sewn to your tongue so you can chew food but can’t swallow It’s a liquid diet. The surgery takes eight minutes. The doctor who “developed this procedure” is on the show, too. Dr. Nikola Chugay. He looks like he was a character in “The Goonies.” He has to be at least 117 years old, so says his neck. But his face says he’s 83 and plastic surgerized. The cost is $3,000.

The next guest (I missed her name, too. It’s probably Diana.) had both of her ears stapled by her acupuncturist. (Wow. My ex-boyfriend did this. Besides thinking he was crazy for doing it, I honestly think he gained weight. Diana just said the ear staples helped her lose her chocolate cravings and get control of her emotional eating, and she lost 110 pounds in one year.

A doctor—acupuncturist—just said something. I don’t know what. I was wondering if those red beans and rice I have cooking are ready to be eaten yet.

And now a chick who’s a contributor for Health magazine is talking. She’s a doctor, too.

Tyra’s urging us to get fit the healthy way—no disrespect to the doctors, she says. “They are doctors.” Go to http://www.tyrashow.com to learn how to do this the healthy way. She didn’t do it alone, so you shouldn’t either.

{Commercial Break}

I said I wasn’t going to eat any sweets, french fries or “junk” this week, but that ice cream in my refrigerator is calling my name. It’s saying it the way one of my exes used to say it when he’d call me by my first and middle name. Sexy. Alluring. But he made a fool of me ultimately, so … yeah, no ice cream.

… and we’re back …

Now we’re talking about pet monkeys, like Michael Jackson’s Bubbles. These pet monkeys are called “monkids.”

Lori, Jim and their “baby” Jessy (the monkey). She’s been deteethed to keep her from biting people and being “put down” if she monkeys around. She got the monkeykid because she had Empty Nest syndrome—she was hospitalized for two months because of depression. She got a monkeykid instead of a dog because monkeys can live to be 50, dogs only live seven or eight years.

This is a freakshow. The monkey sleeps with the woman and her husband. And she’s in these idiots’ will.

{Commercial Break}

Under ordinary circumstances, commercials really tick me off. But these, I welcome. They give me a break from TyraWorld, and I appreciate them for that. I will admit, though, she hasn’t grated on my nerves as much as I expected her to. But it’s still difficult for me to take her seriously. We went from talking about extreme dieting to monkeykids?

… and we’re back …

The newest trend in Hollywood is micro pigs. They’re oinking. This excites Tyra. I guess she didn’t have a picture of a pig with “oink” written under if for the letter “O” when she was learning to read. Poor thing.

This pig breeder lady, Melissa, says the pigs can cost anywhere between $400 and $5,000. They’re smarter than dogs and primates and it took 10-12 years to get them “down this small.”

They’re walking on the sofa. They’re ugly. They’re kind of cute. They’re ugly, though.

Melissa, by the way, still eats bacon.

“It’s hard to resist bacon, isn’t it?!” Tyra asks. “Even vegetarians have a hard time resisting bacon!”

{Commercial Break}

They’re coming more frequently. Commercials, that is. I like this. A lot. Who came up with this commercial idea? They should win a Nobel Peace Prize. I’m going to go stare at the carton of ice cream until I hear Tyra’s voice coming from my television speakers. I mean, dude did make a fool of me, but Me’Shell Ndegeocello made a phenomenal song about being made a fool of.

… and we’re back …

Tyra’s singing an impromptu song about checking her out on Twitter. I know it’s impromptu because she said, “That sounded like a song for a minute!” then laughed. Check out her “magaline.” This month’s issue is “Pop Your Collar.” Don’t be ashamed of your achievements. “It’s OK to brag sometimes.” She just tried to freestyle a goodbye something peace and love in the club. She’s disappointed but not embarrassed, mind you, that she usually can but today, “it’s just not there.”

It’s over! I did it! I deserve an award … ice cream, you suggest? I think that’s a wonderful idea. By the way, can someone watch tomorrow and tell me the secret about Miss Jay? I just can’t commit to it.

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~ by MsInklination on November 9, 2009.

One Response to “Bacon: Every Vegetarians’ Threat to Vegetarianism”

  1. It started of with Tapeworms and ended up an animal show?! Sheesh. Kudos to you for sitting through that.

    I must admit I found your random thoughts and side commentary about the show more entertaining than the transcript parts.

    I heard they extended ole girl’s… ummm… what’s her face… you know, the muppet faced chick… ummm… *lightbub* Windy Williams’ show for another season.

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